I Have No Idea What to Call This

Do you know what this is? No, not up there. That’s Audrey II from Little Shop of Horrors, duh. Down there. The picture down there. No, not...what? It doesn't look anything like a vagina, what the hell is wrong with you? Ok, you need to maybe check your Pornhub filters before this conversation goes any further because... Continue Reading →

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Promises to Keep

That’s kind of a dramatic title. I have miles to go before I sleep, is the point. BA in English Lit, Robert Frost and all that. If you’re reading this, I’m in Amelia Island, FL with my momma and sister and my nephdogs for what will likely be the last time. I KNOW! I can’t... Continue Reading →

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I Am The Unworn One-Piece You Once Loved. And You Don’t Spark Joy For Me Either, Helen.

OMG I finally wrote a thing!!!!

Check out Little Old Lady Comedy.

Little Old Lady Comedy

swimsuit.png

Hello, Helen.

Is it spring cleaning time already? Fantastic. I see that you are giving me away. Donating me, by the look of this box I find myself in. How green of you. Did you finally crack that Kon Mari book? How original.

Am I not sparking joy for you? GOOD. YOU KNOW WHAT, HELEN? I never needed you. NEVER. Do you think you sparked any joy for me?

Well, you didn’t. And don’t say “one-piece.” It’s so…country. I’m a maillot. It’s pronounced my-YO. Smooth. Open. Hopeful. Not MAIL-ott.

Do you think I was fulfilled, rolled up tightly and carefully packed between your tacky cut-out yoga pants and those ridiculous running shoes with toe pockets, as we went to the beach with you and Brian that summer? Do you think any of us were?

Those shoes had a lot to say about you. We had plenty of time…

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I’d Like to Give the World the Finger

Well, that's a terrible title. But it's better than what I came up with originally. It’s better than all seventeen ideas I came up with originally. Particulary those involving Unnatural Acts and Certain Public Figures Being Forcibly Launched Into Orbit. If the year could be expressed in a gif, it would be this one:  ... Continue Reading →

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While I Wasn’t Here…..

What do you think of the new art? I dig it. I'm on The Haven being mediocrely satirical. Which may or may not be my new band name.*shrugs* Come visit. The view is nice, funny people are there, and The Founder is only cranky sometimes. ************************************ The Handmaid's Tale Ruined My Hair, and WTH, Heather?... Continue Reading →

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Going Out On a Limb

Let's cut to the chase: I have a tumor. In my leg. I'm not that worried, actually. I'm sure it's nothing. I just kneeded a subject, tibia honest. Anyway. It's (probably) called an enchondroma, unless it isn't, in which case it could be called a chondrosarcoma and this will become a very awkward post in the near future. No,... Continue Reading →

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The Revolution Will Be Fueled by Fibergummies

I don't even know what the fuck that means. I was scrolling Facebook last week before bed, and chasing my blood pressure and cholesterol meds with my usual bedtime snack of three fibergummies*: an amber one and two dark red ones whose actual flavors elude me, when that phrase floated through my brain, right on the heels of realizing that... Continue Reading →

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Why Can’t We Be Friends?

There is a very nice lady in my Monday morning Barre class. She seems to have taken a liking to me, as she introduced herself two weeks ago as I hung up my mat. "I'm Joyce," she said, and offered her hand. "Nice to meet you!" I said, and aggressively pressed the bottle of mat-cleaner spray into it. Undeterred, last... Continue Reading →

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Things to Do in Denver When You’re Not Dead

Beatbox/80's Retro group Vagina Vigilante announced today that they will be "taking a break" after a contentious show in Denver resulted in two seminal members deciding to pursue careers as a rap duo. Insiders report that the duo will be called Femineminem, likely because it is more fun to say than any of their other ideas, such as... Continue Reading →

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Leftovers

I have failed NaNoPoblano. It's ok. I already know. I was hoping the daily deadline would help free me up, but it turns out that even I am not the boss of me. I defied me at every turn, and life events were happy to jump in and steal the time I had set aside... Continue Reading →

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The Night Doorman

There is a jagged crack in the ceiling of this freight elevator; paint over a splintered fracture that buckles slightly in the center. Two pieces pushed together impatiently and then abandoned to decide for themselves how they fit. Hardly noticeable. A doorman runs the freight elevator even though it is automated. The day shifter runs... Continue Reading →

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Thank You.

I was angry when I wrote this Forgive me if it goes astray... 😉 ******************* Thank you for showing me what your face actually looks like when you peel back the skin - the carefully applied camouflage and strategic shading revealing something burnt and diseased and decayed, the fascia tearing like a bandage being ripped from an... Continue Reading →

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Halloween Street

It wasn't our last Halloween as parents of trick or treaters. But it was close. The first Halloween I was a parent, my son was six weeks old and helpless to resist. I dressed up, and I bought a ton of candy, and I decorated the porch. No one else did. The doorbell rang eight... Continue Reading →

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The Fun Part’s Over

I had lunch with my mom today. For those of who are unfamiliar with what that is like, try this: Go put on your favorite outfit, one in which you look your best, or are the most comfortable. It doesn't matter what it is, the point is to feel as good about yourself as possible. Sit down, pour yourself some... Continue Reading →

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Why Is This Cow Smiling?

As you are reading this, I am probably standing at the south end of a northbound cow made entirely of butter, surrounded by a bunch of teenagers made of....teenagers, using my new hella rap skills to bridge the generational gap. That's how I picture it, anyway. I volunteered to chaperone my son's 7th grade trip to the... Continue Reading →

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We Know Why You Were Late

(sifting through stuff in my drafts folder) My punctuality-impaired friend - we are on to you. We know that you aren't a bad person. Children don't always cooperate. Traffic is sometimes terrible. Flat tires, weather, locusts - yes, sometimes it isn't your fault. But sometimes, it just is. Like when the birthday party/baby shower/wedding has already... Continue Reading →

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The Struggle is Probably Imaginary

Because it's time for a short, peppy listicle post! And because I am dying of boredom in a waiting room. *drinks Ensure* So here goes. I thought it would be best to stick with what I (don't) know. Ten things that I don't understand and/or like: "21 Day Yoga Shred." Is that like "Death by... Continue Reading →

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These Days Aren’t Mine to Keep

Just to keep things in perspective, today I spent twenty minutes arguing with my son over the structural integrity of a $20 backpack vs. a $60 backpack, and an hour dragging my daughter out of bed and making her wear actual clothes. Again. But as we finish up our last week of summer freedom, I... Continue Reading →

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Sanctimony Don’t Cost a Thing

"Every day is Judgement Day. Always has been. Always will be." ~ Tom Robbins, Skinny Legs and All I almost didn't see her. I sat there, in my teller chair, safely behind bulletproof glass, wishing for 6 o'clock. Outside, the street in front of the bank had just begun to fill up with rush hour traffic, everyone hurrying to get... Continue Reading →

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Can We Talk?

"We’re creating a world of dummies. Angry dummies who feel they have the right, the authority and the need not only to comment on everything, but to make sure their voice is heard above the rest, and to drag down any opposing views through personal attacks, loud repetition and confrontation." ~ Ray Williams, Anti-Intellectualism and... Continue Reading →

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What Are You Afraid Of?

You’re going where? my mother asks me, whenever I go on a road trip. I love to travel. I would prefer to travel with someone, but circumstances are often such that I am alone, be it flying or driving. I don't mind - but she does. Don’t do anything daring, she always warns me. Like... Continue Reading →

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MILF on Fire

I'm typing this one handed. Because I have my left hand twisted behind my back, jammed up under my bra strap clawing at the imaginary spiders. Get your mind to curb level. My neighbors are trying to sell their house. I know because when I drove by they were showing it. Well. Also there is... Continue Reading →

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Open Letter to Cat Eating Foot Bloggers

That title doesn't even make sense. How are we supposed to sort out what's really going on there? What IS happening to that cat? It looks unethical. This blog sucks. So, I guess there was a rumble in the blogosphere, or something? Some blogger on blogger conflict. I wasn't part of the action. I'm not very relevant.... Continue Reading →

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Never Mind. I Got This.

(From last year. I just ate McDonald's pancakes in bed, the cat isn't any more receptive to photoshoots and that other problem, well...) It's my cat's birthday, or close to it, gauging from her approximate age when I brought her home. It is also Mother's Day weekend, and I can't think of a better metaphor... Continue Reading →

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Why Didn’t You Tell Me?

Go, said the wind to the little girl, standing on the shore. Don't be afraid. Go, the water is calm and I am at your back. I am a good swimmer! said the child, But it looks so far. What is out there? What is on the other side? Who knows? said the wind. Maybe there will be... Continue Reading →

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Inside Her

He watches as she parks her car and begins her run, each day the same routine: one minute walking, one minute at a pathetic, shuffling semblance of jogging until she reaches the same wooded halfway point. She is pretty, but curvy, which is what men say when they mean "you're fat but I'll fuck you anyway"... Continue Reading →

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I’ll Change

(First published on Sisterwives Speak, June 2015.) One day, I’ll change You’ll be the first one that I call I owe you an apology Too many thanks, and that’s not all ‘Cause I been runnin’ long before I learned to crawl. ~ The Indigo Girls 1989 That guy. The one who charms a woman with the grace and ease that... Continue Reading →

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Girl, Don’t Go Away Mad

Breaking news: A 45 year-old woman was reportedly questioned and released today after being traumatized by Google search results that she received when she entered the search term "Nick Cage and Vince Neil Dance Battle" Police were called when the woman, who is actually 46, was heard shouting by neighbors after a google search of the two celebrities... Continue Reading →

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You’ve Got a Friend, Maybe

Are you down? Troubled? Do you need a helping hand? Is nothin' - whoa, nothin' going right? Are you chapped because I just earwormed you with James Taylor? Well, nut the hell up. Did you think I was going to give you something helpful? Have you not been paying attention? That's what therapists are for.... Continue Reading →

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Things I Learned From the Mouse

(Image: forums.beamdog.com)   Once upon a time, I worked for a very large corporation. It is my belief that when they give a title to someone, such as the one I had, however insignificant, this particular corporation confiscates that person's soul and puts it in a vault, where they torture it by angrily and repeatedly shouting the key points of the... Continue Reading →

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Forty Seconds

  Forty seconds. Any one of a thousand mornings, a man leaves one place and drives toward another. Maybe he forgets his lunch, or his shoe is untied, or he drops his smokes, so he’s late. Or maybe he doesn’t, it isn’t, or he quit a year ago, and he is right on schedule. Maybe he pounds the... Continue Reading →

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How Not to Avoid Jury Duty

It came in the mail, those months ago, with very little fanfare, as mail tends to do. As with most things, I handled it like a mature and responsible adult. I googled "Goth Hippie Freakshow" and asked my husband if he thought it would make sense to actually dye my hair purple. Fake piercings are probably... Continue Reading →

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Somebody’s Daughter

I have been struggling with this one a bit. I feel someone will ask me how I can be anything but outraged by my own memory when I have children of my own. Am I prepared to romanticize a similar relationship in their situation, as my perspective on my own is so clearly skewed? And the answer is no.... Continue Reading →

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The Hazards of Post-Marital Sex

I miss sex. I miss unbridled (who wears a bridle?), rowdy, noisy, uninterrupted sex. Pre-marital sex. PRE-pre-natal sex. (Is that a thing?) Pre-children-who-are-stalking-you sex. I do. I spent a good part of my late teens and 20’s having sex. Good sex, bad sex, weird sex…furtive sex, spontaneous sex, planned sex, obligatory special event sex, morning sex, sex... Continue Reading →

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What You Did Today if You Are Me

Funny 'cause I started this post yesterday and I just opened "What You Did Today if You Are Me" to a blank page, which is not totally inaccurate.  It just doesn't feel like it. 6:30am - Your alarm goes off. At 6:31, it is joined by the alarm on your eight year old daughter's Kindle,... Continue Reading →

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I Do Not Owe You

Trigger warnings: rape, violence At the moment I am working on two different pieces, and am making very little progress on either: the first was supposed to be a bawdy retrospective of my own sexuality and the second was to explore the insidious hierarchy of victims of sexual assault. And as I stand here drinking coffee in... Continue Reading →

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Death of a Mama Bear

My son is not a people pleaser. I have known this since sometime in the second trimester. Breakfast had become a perverted ritual. I would make my breakfast, arrange it on the table. And then go lean my wobbly pregnant self against the counter by the garbage disposal waiting for the first wave of nausea, so I... Continue Reading →

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How to Eat a Chicken Pot Pie

Let us first assume that you have a Chicken Pot Pie in your possession.  The brand does not matter; I prefer homemade or Marie Callender, but Swanson will do in a pinch.  CHEAP-ASS PIES WITH ONLY A TOP CRUST ARE TO BE DISCARDED IMMEDIATELY BECAUSE WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? GET OUT OF... Continue Reading →

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Can Women and Women Be Friends?

“It’s been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is truly a loyal friend, then they wouldn’t need to broadcast it; eventually, people will figure it out. I have a lot of good friends and not one of them has ever... Continue Reading →

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