In 1998, I had an experience on a first date that was very similar to what "Grace" described in her interview with Babe magazine about her "date" with Aziz Ansari. There are differences, of course. My date wasn't a celebrity, he was more aggressively persistent, and he actually injured me physically. I had never been... Continue Reading →
Well, that's a terrible title. But it's better than what I came up with originally. It’s better than all seventeen ideas I came up with originally. Particulary those involving Unnatural Acts and Certain Public Figures Being Forcibly Launched Into Orbit. If the year could be expressed in a gif, it would be this one: ... Continue Reading →
Apparently, I turned fifty sometime over the last few days. Years. Old. God, what did you think I meant? You know what else turned 50 this year? The 25th amendment. Just an observation. Anyway. I celebrated by riding in the middle seat of a rented Ford Explorer for eight hours with two Labradors in the... Continue Reading →
What do you think of the new art? I dig it. I'm on The Haven being mediocrely satirical. Which may or may not be my new band name.*shrugs* Come visit. The view is nice, funny people are there, and The Founder is only cranky sometimes. ************************************ The Handmaid's Tale Ruined My Hair, and WTH, Heather?... Continue Reading →
Let's cut to the chase: I have a tumor. In my leg. I'm not that worried, actually. I'm sure it's nothing. I just kneeded a subject, tibia honest. Anyway. It's (probably) called an enchondroma, unless it isn't, in which case it could be called a chondrosarcoma and this will become a very awkward post in the near future. No,... Continue Reading →
I don't even know what the fuck that means. I was scrolling Facebook last week before bed, and chasing my blood pressure and cholesterol meds with my usual bedtime snack of three fibergummies*: an amber one and two dark red ones whose actual flavors elude me, when that phrase floated through my brain, right on the heels of realizing that... Continue Reading →
There is a very nice lady in my Monday morning Barre class. She seems to have taken a liking to me, as she introduced herself two weeks ago as I hung up my mat. "I'm Joyce," she said, and offered her hand. "Nice to meet you!" I said, and aggressively pressed the bottle of mat-cleaner spray into it. Undeterred, last... Continue Reading →
Beatbox/80's Retro group Vagina Vigilante announced today that they will be "taking a break" after a contentious show in Denver resulted in two seminal members deciding to pursue careers as a rap duo. Insiders report that the duo will be called Femineminem, likely because it is more fun to say than any of their other ideas, such as... Continue Reading →
I need you to know that I vandalized a picture of The Grinch and Cindy Lou Who for this. I photoshopped that spiky head thing from Lady Liberty herself onto Cindy's head. Then I changed his skin to orange and then I had to go bathe in holy water say some hail Mary's even though I'm not religious because... Continue Reading →
I have failed NaNoPoblano. It's ok. I already know. I was hoping the daily deadline would help free me up, but it turns out that even I am not the boss of me. I defied me at every turn, and life events were happy to jump in and steal the time I had set aside... Continue Reading →
There is a jagged crack in the ceiling of this freight elevator; paint over a splintered fracture that buckles slightly in the center. Two pieces pushed together impatiently and then abandoned to decide for themselves how they fit. Hardly noticeable. A doorman runs the freight elevator even though it is automated. The day shifter runs... Continue Reading →
I was angry when I wrote this Forgive me if it goes astray... 😉 ******************* Thank you for showing me what your face actually looks like when you peel back the skin - the carefully applied camouflage and strategic shading revealing something burnt and diseased and decayed, the fascia tearing like a bandage being ripped from an... Continue Reading →
It wasn't our last Halloween as parents of trick or treaters. But it was close. The first Halloween I was a parent, my son was six weeks old and helpless to resist. I dressed up, and I bought a ton of candy, and I decorated the porch. No one else did. The doorbell rang eight... Continue Reading →
I had lunch with my mom today. For those of who are unfamiliar with what that is like, try this: Go put on your favorite outfit, one in which you look your best, or are the most comfortable. It doesn't matter what it is, the point is to feel as good about yourself as possible. Sit down, pour yourself some... Continue Reading →
That's right. It's better than yours. Today is my birthday. I am "waxes my lady parts the same day I pluck my chin" old. I am a Libra, and, as such, am way more balanced and rational than you. Also I am charming and irresistible, especially on wax and pluck days. I have always been... Continue Reading →
As you are reading this, I am probably standing at the south end of a northbound cow made entirely of butter, surrounded by a bunch of teenagers made of....teenagers, using my new hella rap skills to bridge the generational gap. That's how I picture it, anyway. I volunteered to chaperone my son's 7th grade trip to the... Continue Reading →
It's raining outside, and there are five feral cats lounging on my patio. I am running a halfway house for errant felines. I'd post a picture but every time I try Aunty Gomez freaks out and runs out into the rain and I don't want her to get wet. Here in a bit I will go out... Continue Reading →
(sifting through stuff in my drafts folder) My punctuality-impaired friend - we are on to you. We know that you aren't a bad person. Children don't always cooperate. Traffic is sometimes terrible. Flat tires, weather, locusts - yes, sometimes it isn't your fault. But sometimes, it just is. Like when the birthday party/baby shower/wedding has already... Continue Reading →
Because it's time for a short, peppy listicle post! And because I am dying of boredom in a waiting room. *drinks Ensure* So here goes. I thought it would be best to stick with what I (don't) know. Ten things that I don't understand and/or like: "21 Day Yoga Shred." Is that like "Death by... Continue Reading →
Just to keep things in perspective, today I spent twenty minutes arguing with my son over the structural integrity of a $20 backpack vs. a $60 backpack, and an hour dragging my daughter out of bed and making her wear actual clothes. Again. But as we finish up our last week of summer freedom, I... Continue Reading →
"Every day is Judgement Day. Always has been. Always will be." ~ Tom Robbins, Skinny Legs and All I almost didn't see her. I sat there, in my teller chair, safely behind bulletproof glass, wishing for 6 o'clock. Outside, the street in front of the bank had just begun to fill up with rush hour traffic, everyone hurrying to get... Continue Reading →
"We’re creating a world of dummies. Angry dummies who feel they have the right, the authority and the need not only to comment on everything, but to make sure their voice is heard above the rest, and to drag down any opposing views through personal attacks, loud repetition and confrontation." ~ Ray Williams, Anti-Intellectualism and... Continue Reading →
I'm never sure if I should say anything, when these things happen. Once a convenience store clerk gave me back my $20 in my change. I gave it back to him because he came running after me yelling "stop thief!" it was the right thing to do. Now, that time McDonald's accidentally gave my daughter... Continue Reading →
You’re going where? my mother asks me, whenever I go on a road trip. I love to travel. I would prefer to travel with someone, but circumstances are often such that I am alone, be it flying or driving. I don't mind - but she does. Don’t do anything daring, she always warns me. Like... Continue Reading →
I'm typing this one handed. Because I have my left hand twisted behind my back, jammed up under my bra strap clawing at the imaginary spiders. Get your mind to curb level. My neighbors are trying to sell their house. I know because when I drove by they were showing it. Well. Also there is... Continue Reading →
That title doesn't even make sense. How are we supposed to sort out what's really going on there? What IS happening to that cat? It looks unethical. This blog sucks. So, I guess there was a rumble in the blogosphere, or something? Some blogger on blogger conflict. I wasn't part of the action. I'm not very relevant.... Continue Reading →
(From last year. I just ate McDonald's pancakes in bed, the cat isn't any more receptive to photoshoots and that other problem, well...) It's my cat's birthday, or close to it, gauging from her approximate age when I brought her home. It is also Mother's Day weekend, and I can't think of a better metaphor... Continue Reading →
Go, said the wind to the little girl, standing on the shore. Don't be afraid. Go, the water is calm and I am at your back. I am a good swimmer! said the child, But it looks so far. What is out there? What is on the other side? Who knows? said the wind. Maybe there will be... Continue Reading →
He watches as she parks her car and begins her run, each day the same routine: one minute walking, one minute at a pathetic, shuffling semblance of jogging until she reaches the same wooded halfway point. She is pretty, but curvy, which is what men say when they mean "you're fat but I'll fuck you anyway"... Continue Reading →
(First published on Sisterwives Speak, June 2015.) One day, I’ll change You’ll be the first one that I call I owe you an apology Too many thanks, and that’s not all ‘Cause I been runnin’ long before I learned to crawl. ~ The Indigo Girls 1989 That guy. The one who charms a woman with the grace and ease that... Continue Reading →
Breaking news: A 45 year-old woman was reportedly questioned and released today after being traumatized by Google search results that she received when she entered the search term "Nick Cage and Vince Neil Dance Battle" Police were called when the woman, who is actually 46, was heard shouting by neighbors after a google search of the two celebrities... Continue Reading →
Are you down? Troubled? Do you need a helping hand? Is nothin' - whoa, nothin' going right? Are you chapped because I just earwormed you with James Taylor? Well, nut the hell up. Did you think I was going to give you something helpful? Have you not been paying attention? That's what therapists are for.... Continue Reading →
...and so it was, as I got out of the car at the gym today, that I accidentally made an old lady noise. Don't be tellin' me to eat more fiber. Or less. That is no way to speak to a woman of my age. And it wasn't that kind of noise, anyway, but it... Continue Reading →
Please come visit me at: BLUNTmoms, where I may or may not be making fun of my sex life again: I promise, no fake poop. Not like that other time....
People. Hear me. Erma Bombeck has rejected me. She also made me late to my haircut because I had to cry a tiny bit. Just a little. My entry to the 2016 Erma Bombeck writing competition was summarily turned away last week. Along with about 400 others, but I've decided to go ahead and take this... Continue Reading →
Stand down, soldier. This isn't like the time I posted my boobs. I'm not talking about that niche. Although I do like that word. Niche. As he gently caressed the edges of her niche with his firm demographic.... Let's discuss, shall we? My most popular post with the WordPress crowd was "Even After All This Time,"... Continue Reading →
And so it begins. That day…that wonderful, romantic day, where frightened significant others everywhere rush to the flower shops, candy stores, lingerie departments and/or “Adult Novelty” stores (because hope springs eternal), with the intent to purchase the perfect Valentine’s offering for the partner they cherish (tolerate). Those partners, meanwhile, flock to the hair and nail salons, for the mani/pedis and... Continue Reading →
(Image: forums.beamdog.com) Once upon a time, I worked for a very large corporation. It is my belief that when they give a title to someone, such as the one I had, however insignificant, this particular corporation confiscates that person's soul and puts it in a vault, where they torture it by angrily and repeatedly shouting the key points of the... Continue Reading →
Forty seconds. Any one of a thousand mornings, a man leaves one place and drives toward another. Maybe he forgets his lunch, or his shoe is untied, or he drops his smokes, so he’s late. Or maybe he doesn’t, it isn’t, or he quit a year ago, and he is right on schedule. Maybe he pounds the... Continue Reading →
It came in the mail, those months ago, with very little fanfare, as mail tends to do. As with most things, I handled it like a mature and responsible adult. I googled "Goth Hippie Freakshow" and asked my husband if he thought it would make sense to actually dye my hair purple. Fake piercings are probably... Continue Reading →
I have been struggling with this one a bit. I feel someone will ask me how I can be anything but outraged by my own memory when I have children of my own. Am I prepared to romanticize a similar relationship in their situation, as my perspective on my own is so clearly skewed? And the answer is no.... Continue Reading →
I miss sex. I miss unbridled (who wears a bridle?), rowdy, noisy, uninterrupted sex. Pre-marital sex. PRE-pre-natal sex. (Is that a thing?) Pre-children-who-are-stalking-you sex. I do. I spent a good part of my late teens and 20’s having sex. Good sex, bad sex, weird sex…furtive sex, spontaneous sex, planned sex, obligatory special event sex, morning sex, sex... Continue Reading →
It was only a matter of time. Searching for something in my Facebook messages, I tried the dread Other Inbox. And amidst all of the messages from men in distant lands seeking friendship and help with their spelling, whatever I was looking for...was not there. But there was a message from him. It stood out as the... Continue Reading →
Funny 'cause I started this post yesterday and I just opened "What You Did Today if You Are Me" to a blank page, which is not totally inaccurate. It just doesn't feel like it. 6:30am - Your alarm goes off. At 6:31, it is joined by the alarm on your eight year old daughter's Kindle,... Continue Reading →
Trigger warnings: rape, violence At the moment I am working on two different pieces, and am making very little progress on either: the first was supposed to be a bawdy retrospective of my own sexuality and the second was to explore the insidious hierarchy of victims of sexual assault. And as I stand here drinking coffee in... Continue Reading →
My son is not a people pleaser. I have known this since sometime in the second trimester. Breakfast had become a perverted ritual. I would make my breakfast, arrange it on the table. And then go lean my wobbly pregnant self against the counter by the garbage disposal waiting for the first wave of nausea, so I... Continue Reading →
Let us first assume that you have a Chicken Pot Pie in your possession. The brand does not matter; I prefer homemade or Marie Callender, but Swanson will do in a pinch. CHEAP-ASS PIES WITH ONLY A TOP CRUST ARE TO BE DISCARDED IMMEDIATELY BECAUSE WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU? GET OUT OF... Continue Reading →
“It’s been my experience that people who make proclamations about themselves are usually the opposite of what they claim to be. If someone is truly a loyal friend, then they wouldn’t need to broadcast it; eventually, people will figure it out. I have a lot of good friends and not one of them has ever... Continue Reading →
OMG I finally wrote a thing!!!!
Check out Little Old Lady Comedy.
Is it spring cleaning time already? Fantastic. I see that you are giving me away. Donating me, by the look of this box I find myself in. How green of you. Did you finally crack that Kon Mari book? How original.
Am I not sparking joy for you? GOOD. YOU KNOW WHAT, HELEN? I never needed you. NEVER. Do you think you sparked any joy for me?
Well, you didn’t. And don’t say “one-piece.” It’s so…country. I’m a maillot. It’s pronounced my-YO. Smooth. Open. Hopeful. Not MAIL-ott.
Do you think I was fulfilled, rolled up tightly and carefully packed between your tacky cut-out yoga pants and those ridiculous running shoes with toe pockets, as we went to the beach with you and Brian that summer? Do you think any of us were?
Those shoes had a lot to say about you. We had plenty of time…
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