While I Wasn’t Here…..

What do you think of the new art? I dig it. I'm on The Haven being mediocrely satirical. Which may or may not be my new band name.*shrugs* Come visit. The view is nice, funny people are there, and The Founder is only cranky sometimes. ************************************ The Handmaid's Tale Ruined My Hair, and WTH, Heather?... Continue Reading →

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Going Out On a Limb

Let's cut to the chase: I have a tumor. In my leg. I'm not that worried, actually. I'm sure it's nothing. I just kneeded a subject, tibia honest. Anyway. It's (probably) called an enchondroma, unless it isn't, in which case it could be called a chondrosarcoma and this will become a very awkward post in the near future. No,... Continue Reading →

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The Revolution Will Be Fueled by Fibergummies

I don't even know what the fuck that means. I was scrolling Facebook last week before bed, and chasing my blood pressure and cholesterol meds with my usual bedtime snack of three fibergummies*: an amber one and two dark red ones whose actual flavors elude me, when that phrase floated through my brain, right on the heels of realizing that... Continue Reading →

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Why Can’t We Be Friends?

There is a very nice lady in my Monday morning Barre class. She seems to have taken a liking to me, as she introduced herself two weeks ago as I hung up my mat. "I'm Joyce," she said, and offered her hand. "Nice to meet you!" I said, and aggressively pressed the bottle of mat-cleaner spray into it. Undeterred, last... Continue Reading →

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Leftovers

I have failed NaNoPoblano. It's ok. I already know. I was hoping the daily deadline would help free me up, but it turns out that even I am not the boss of me. I defied me at every turn, and life events were happy to jump in and steal the time I had set aside... Continue Reading →

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The Night Doorman

There is a jagged crack in the ceiling of this freight elevator; paint over a splintered fracture that buckles slightly in the center. Two pieces pushed together impatiently and then abandoned to decide for themselves how they fit. Hardly noticeable. A doorman runs the freight elevator even though it is automated. The day shifter runs... Continue Reading →

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It Makes Fools of Us All

When I die, I want my ashes to be made into projectiles. Like guerrilla gardening seed bombs. Just a pinch of me in a bundle with the seeds from big, hearty, colorful flowers. Maybe some glitter. Wrapped in tulle bags like the ones they throw at weddings. I don't know who I could ask to do that for... Continue Reading →

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Thank You.

I was angry when I wrote this Forgive me if it goes astray... 😉 ******************* Thank you for showing me what your face actually looks like when you peel back the skin - the carefully applied camouflage and strategic shading revealing something burnt and diseased and decayed, the fascia tearing like a bandage being ripped from an... Continue Reading →

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Halloween Street

It wasn't our last Halloween as parents of trick or treaters. But it was close. The first Halloween I was a parent, my son was six weeks old and helpless to resist. I dressed up, and I bought a ton of candy, and I decorated the porch. No one else did. The doorbell rang eight... Continue Reading →

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The Fun Part’s Over

I had lunch with my mom today. For those of who are unfamiliar with what that is like, try this: Go put on your favorite outfit, one in which you look your best, or are the most comfortable. It doesn't matter what it is, the point is to feel as good about yourself as possible. Sit down, pour yourself some... Continue Reading →

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Why Is This Cow Smiling?

As you are reading this, I am probably standing at the south end of a northbound cow made entirely of butter, surrounded by a bunch of teenagers made of....teenagers, using my new hella rap skills to bridge the generational gap. That's how I picture it, anyway. I volunteered to chaperone my son's 7th grade trip to the... Continue Reading →

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We Know Why You Were Late

(sifting through stuff in my drafts folder) My punctuality-impaired friend - we are on to you. We know that you aren't a bad person. Children don't always cooperate. Traffic is sometimes terrible. Flat tires, weather, locusts - yes, sometimes it isn't your fault. But sometimes, it just is. Like when the birthday party/baby shower/wedding has already... Continue Reading →

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Sanctimony Don’t Cost a Thing

"Every day is Judgement Day. Always has been. Always will be." ~ Tom Robbins, Skinny Legs and All I almost didn't see her. I sat there, in my teller chair, safely behind bulletproof glass, wishing for 6 o'clock. Outside, the street in front of the bank had just begun to fill up with rush hour traffic, everyone hurrying to get... Continue Reading →

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Can We Talk?

"We’re creating a world of dummies. Angry dummies who feel they have the right, the authority and the need not only to comment on everything, but to make sure their voice is heard above the rest, and to drag down any opposing views through personal attacks, loud repetition and confrontation." ~ Ray Williams, Anti-Intellectualism and... Continue Reading →

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MILF on Fire

I'm typing this one handed. Because I have my left hand twisted behind my back, jammed up under my bra strap clawing at the imaginary spiders. Get your mind to curb level. My neighbors are trying to sell their house. I know because when I drove by they were showing it. Well. Also there is... Continue Reading →

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Never Mind. I Got This.

(From last year. I just ate McDonald's pancakes in bed, the cat isn't any more receptive to photoshoots and that other problem, well...) It's my cat's birthday, or close to it, gauging from her approximate age when I brought her home. It is also Mother's Day weekend, and I can't think of a better metaphor... Continue Reading →

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Inside Her

He watches as she parks her car and begins her run, each day the same routine: one minute walking, one minute at a pathetic, shuffling semblance of jogging until she reaches the same wooded halfway point. She is pretty, but curvy, which is what men say when they mean "you're fat but I'll fuck you anyway"... Continue Reading →

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I’ll Change

(First published on Sisterwives Speak, June 2015.) One day, I’ll change You’ll be the first one that I call I owe you an apology Too many thanks, and that’s not all ‘Cause I been runnin’ long before I learned to crawl. ~ The Indigo Girls 1989 That guy. The one who charms a woman with the grace and ease that... Continue Reading →

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Girl, Don’t Go Away Mad

Breaking news: A 45 year-old woman was reportedly questioned and released today after being traumatized by Google search results that she received when she entered the search term "Nick Cage and Vince Neil Dance Battle" Police were called when the woman, who is actually 46, was heard shouting by neighbors after a google search of the two celebrities... Continue Reading →

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Ain’t Talkin’ Bout Love

  And so it begins. That day…that wonderful, romantic day, where frightened significant others everywhere rush to the flower shops, candy stores, lingerie departments and/or “Adult Novelty” stores (because hope springs eternal), with the intent to purchase the perfect Valentine’s offering for the partner they cherish (tolerate). Those partners, meanwhile, flock to the hair and nail salons, for the mani/pedis and... Continue Reading →

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Things I Learned From the Mouse

(Image: forums.beamdog.com)   Once upon a time, I worked for a very large corporation. It is my belief that when they give a title to someone, such as the one I had, however insignificant, this particular corporation confiscates that person's soul and puts it in a vault, where they torture it by angrily and repeatedly shouting the key points of the... Continue Reading →

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Forty Seconds

  Forty seconds. Any one of a thousand mornings, a man leaves one place and drives toward another. Maybe he forgets his lunch, or his shoe is untied, or he drops his smokes, so he’s late. Or maybe he doesn’t, it isn’t, or he quit a year ago, and he is right on schedule. Maybe he pounds the... Continue Reading →

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Somebody’s Daughter

I have been struggling with this one a bit. I feel someone will ask me how I can be anything but outraged by my own memory when I have children of my own. Am I prepared to romanticize a similar relationship in their situation, as my perspective on my own is so clearly skewed? And the answer is no.... Continue Reading →

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The Hazards of Post-Marital Sex

I miss sex. I miss unbridled (who wears a bridle?), rowdy, noisy, uninterrupted sex. Pre-marital sex. PRE-pre-natal sex. (Is that a thing?) Pre-children-who-are-stalking-you sex. I do. I spent a good part of my late teens and 20’s having sex. Good sex, bad sex, weird sex…furtive sex, spontaneous sex, planned sex, obligatory special event sex, morning sex, sex... Continue Reading →

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Freakin’ Evel Knievel

It was only a matter of time. Searching for something in my Facebook messages, I tried the dread Other Inbox. And amidst all of the messages from men in distant lands seeking friendship and help with their spelling, whatever I was looking for...was not there. But there was a message from him. It stood out as the... Continue Reading →

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I Do Not Owe You

(originally featured on Sisterwives Speak. January 2015.) Trigger warnings: rape, violence At the moment I am working on two different pieces, and am making very little progress on either: the first was supposed to be a bawdy retrospective of my own sexuality and the second was to explore the insidious hierarchy of victims of sexual assault. And as... Continue Reading →

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Death of a Mama Bear

My son is not a people pleaser. I have known this since sometime in the second trimester. Breakfast had become a perverted ritual. I would make my breakfast, arrange it on the table. And then go lean my wobbly pregnant self against the counter by the garbage disposal waiting for the first wave of nausea, so I... Continue Reading →

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