Standing on the Brink in Geriatric Flip-Flops

Status update: I am not bikini-ready.

Today I made my annual swimsuit pilgrimage to the local TJ Maxx, to throw myself upon the dressing room altar in appeasement of the god of delusion.  Fortunately, this trek gets easier every spring, as I haven’t been bikini-ready in over a decade. I may never again achieve bikini-ready status. Or bikini-willing, or bikini-able.

To be honest, bikinis have never been my friend.  I like to move when I’m in the water and I have a long history of wandering triangles, broken strings or leaving part of my suit behind, hung up on whatever I caught it on right before I slid off the pier.  Truth be told, were it not for other people and those pesky rules, I’d rather swim naked.  But the YMCA frowns on that, particularly on the waterslide.  Why CAN’T I have the park to myself after closing?

So, I bought a mom suit again. The good news is my cleavage action is a lot more impressive than it was at 17. Tragically, the same suit that brings the girls together so nicely does some truly cruel and unusual things to other parts of the body. I also bought a swim suit cover-up, for the first time ever, remembering how hard it was last year to maintain my dignity at the water park without one.  Also: flip-flops.  Mine have arch supports.  And bling.  They are awesome.

And no more tanning. I used to be addicted to tanning. Last summer I had my first little bit of face-cancer removed, and I hope it will be the last. So I will be pale, and vein-y, and vain, apparently, in my ruched sausage suit, albeit with nice hooters and geriatric flip-flops.

Is it petty that every year, as I cram my ass into that big clear plastic donut so that I can float around the lazy river, I am cheered by the fact that EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU SKINNY TWENTY-SOMETHING DIVAS IS IN LINE TO INHERIT THIS THRONE??  Yes.  I know you think you are immune.  No.  Of course YOURS won’t sag.  Yes, wearing three bras to bed will absolutely prevent that.  Tell your husband I said so.  And also, do you know what causes those little lines around your mouth?

But I digress. When I started this, I was gearing up to create another indictment of the media’s portrayal of the perfect female form, complete with bitter sarcasm and photos of the new mamas with the six-packs and the bow-flex grandma and that one famous 70+ fashion designer who graces the beach every year in a bikini looking very much like the walking dead, if the walking dead had access to a tanning salon, when I was interrupted by the thought that seems to keep popping into my head more and more often as I get older:

Who cares?  I’m letting other people tell me what kind of swimsuit I’m going to wear?  Worse, I’m letting what I THINK OTHER PEOPLE ARE THINKING to affect what kind of swimsuit I wear.  What is THAT?  I’m going to have less fun because someone else doesn’t like the way I look?  I’m going to miss out on my last years in the wave pool with my kids because it might not be dignified? Hell, I KNOW it’s not dignified.

Truth is, I really don’t want to wear a bikini…what I really want is to be more comfortable in my own skin.  The literal as well as the figurative kind.

That, and Naked Swim Night at the waterpark….

suit

Advertisements

28 thoughts on “Standing on the Brink in Geriatric Flip-Flops

Add yours

      1. I went out on a limb there but seriously I totally, absolutely, 1 million % agree with your premise and I support you and your girls freedom in spite of what our stupid society says is acceptable or normal or whatever…I love your take on it all…’nuff said

        Like

    1. Tony Little. Yes, the DB with the ponytail. They are called “Cheeks” Health Sandals and they are awesome and not expensive. I also have his body pillow. I am way closer to him than I am comfortable with, I am just now realizing….they run large by about a size. The sandals. His website or ebay. Thanks!

      Like

  1. Not bikini ready here either. And it’s stressing me out which I know is ridiculously vain and stupid. I have to go to Cancun on a work trip with my husband in May. And the women who work for his company are all ex Miss-Something or Other. Basically they’re all tall and skinny and beautiful. But, it won’t stop me from having fun. I will trudge my ass to the beach or the pool no matter what state my body is in. I have friends who wouldn’t put on a suit until they lost baby weight. Well, that takes me about 4 years so I just suck it up (literally and figuratively). But I wish I truly didn’t care. I’m working on it. (and I think you look damn good.)

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Me and the hubs are going on a weekend getaway for our 20th anniversary next week and there’s going to be a heated swimming pool. I’ve always worn bikinis, then covered myself up with a cover-up rendering my bikini pointless. This year, I’m getting a cute tankini and ditching the cover-up. That’s the plan at least. Mom suits have come a long way since my mom’s day so I’m encouraged!

    Like

  3. My husband asked if we wanted to go to the beach this weekend. This is Florida. It is Spring Break. While it would be a visual wet dream for him, I would more than likely need therapy at the end of the day. Lots and lots of therapy. No bikini readiness here either. I do the same thing with the young firm bodies at the water parks. I snicker inside and just think to myself…wait until you’ve popped out a few kids. Then come talk to me. You have given me a boost of confidence with this. I now feel a little more empowered and proud of my body at 46. Booyah!

    Like

      1. Eh, doesn’t help the swimsuit issue though, does it. S’why I’m working on the whole self-image mess of crapola; so I can come to Murica in September and not be completely crippled by shame and anxiety.

        But thanks 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Naked Swim Night at the waterpark….Sign me up. It will be far from pretty but it would feel pretty good. Funny how we have changes of attitude with age and just don’t give a crap. Talk them into a day too. The sun and breeze would feel nice.

    Like

  5. What we need is a good old-fashion demonstration like the 60’s. A naked swim-in. Everybody hop in the pool, strip off your suit and through it on the deck. They won’t know whether it’s better to leave us in or have us come lumbering out. Don’t forget to tip off the press. We’ll stage it for the hour of the local newscast so they can do a live feed. We can all get tats on our butts, “Skin is in” and moon the cameras. Get the phone tree started!!!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. There’s only so much newsworthy photogenic real estate ya know. Are you willing to consider going to an upfront, high-tier display. Patron on the viewers left and Tequila on the right. We can arc the words across the tops to follow the natural lines. Any other suggestions?

        Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: