Izzerganimzy, or That Time I Accidentally Went to BlogHer

I’m never sure if I should say anything, when these things happen.

Once a convenience store clerk gave me back my $20 in my change. I gave it back to him because he came running after me yelling “stop thief!” it was the right thing to do.

Now, that time McDonald’s accidentally gave my daughter a juicebox AND milk with her happy meal? We kept it but that was only fair because they gave her the wrong toy and also she already drank it.

And I may have had more than my share of wine at the charity event I went to, but it’s not my fault that I drink when I’m nervous.

But this….this seems different. I appear to have been recognized for something, and it doesn’t involve any social media faux pas. Or anything about having the right to remain silent.

I recently noticed I was on the list for BlogHer Voice of the Year 2016. This is a huge honor, especially when they do it on purpose. I figured it had to be clerical error.  Here is the list of honorees for written work (long), from the original post on BlogHer, that can be found here:

You see it, right? All those well-written, thought provoking, empowering essays? There are also terrific honorees for MOMents essays, photos, video and Impact. Not to mention the number of people that I know were nominated who are not on the list (this time), that have incredible talent.

And then there’s me, and my lazy vagina.

I would love to put on a nice dress and go up on stage and have this conversation a million times in one evening:

“Which essay did you win for?”
“Is your *mumble mumble cough cough*.”
“I’m sorry, which one?”
“Izzerganimzy.”
“I still didn’t understand you….”
“Look! It’s Ryan Gosling!”
“Just tell me!!”
“Is. Your. Vagina. Lazy.”


“…..seriously that’s what it’s called?”

So, I wanted to go, irrational anxiety about movies where the unsuspecting butt-of-a-horrific-joke heroine goes on stage in a nice dress notwithstanding.

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I haven’t been to Los Angeles since I was eleven when my family went to Hawaii and my dad wanted to save money by taking the train to California, thus providing my sister and I with a very long, moving arena in which to fight. I remember being allowed to sit in the smoking car, and I remember thinking the dining car was about the coolest thing I had ever seen. I remember being in a train station at midnight watching a hooker scream profanity into a payphone. And there was this guy in a limo and he took me to the opera…wait. That may have been a movie, too.

pretty-woman-768

So, I decided not to tell BlogHer they accidentally included me, and I bought airline tickets. And found a roomie.

I’m going.

This means I will be unsupervised in Los Angeles for the first four hours, which significantly increases the probability that I will get into a white van driven by a man named Glupavo that has “Yes, Is Van For Meeting” written on the side in sharpie, and will never be heard from again.

There are some wonderful sponsored events as well, for a variety of great products and companies – but when I tried to get into one of the sexy ones, they sent me a very nice note reminding me of “that time you publicly used one of our “intimate” products for a mic, put a red thong on your head, said your name was “Mike Dildo” and sang an inspired cover of ‘Almost Paradise’ – and while we appreciated the endorsement, the Mike Reno lawsuit is still pending and blah blah blah something something 100 yards.”

I get to meet a lot of writers I admire, and give them one of my business cards that I designed myself, while drunk. There was a suggestion to leave the back blank, and I interpreted that to mean “WHEE! BIG PURPLE LETTERS!!!”

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…that doesn’t seem like enough information….

 

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oh! right…

 

Sarah Michelle Gellar is one of the keynote speakers, and I am super excited that I may get to meet be in the same building with Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I bet no one ever calls her that, right when they first meet her. “Hey, Buffy the Vampire Slayer!” I will shout. “Look what I scored at the sexy sponsored event!!” I bet she will laugh and laugh.

I can’t wait.

Wish me luck. I’ll try not to be too embarrassing.

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9 thoughts on “Izzerganimzy, or That Time I Accidentally Went to BlogHer

Add yours

  1. I suspect that when the time comes you will live up to your shamelessness and sing it out loud and clear, but do be careful which van you get in. I might have to go back and re-read that one, even though I don’t have a vagina to get lazy. Hmmm – I’m pretty sure that’s the first time I’ve ever used that word in a comment. Maybe you are a bad influence. LOL

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Congratulations! Although I’m receiving no honors, I’ll be there, too, in the audience watching you, but not as a stalker or anything… By the way, it’s Saturday at noon, and I’m in the tub typing away on my iPad praying I don’t drop it into the water. So, not only am I not wearing pants, I’m not wearing anything…

    Liked by 1 person

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