Because it’s time for a short, peppy listicle post! And because I am dying of boredom in a waiting room. *drinks Ensure* So here goes. I thought it would be best to stick with what I (don’t) know.
Ten things that I don’t understand and/or like:
- “21 Day Yoga Shred.” Is that like “Death by Organic GMO Free Vanilla” or “Triple X Canoodling?” Yes, I know, that yoga is awesome. But ROCK YOUR INNER PEACE! THIS IS NOT YOUR MOTHER’S LOTUS, BITCHES!
- Removable cups. I shopped for sportsbras yesterday and found they all had this bizarre “removable cup” feature. There are little pockets from which you can remove the padding that covers your funbags. Because so many times I have gone to the gym thinking “if only my boobs were smaller, hung lower and everyone could see my giant nipples.”
- Removable cups. Seriously, am I that far out of touch? If you wash the bra without removing the padding, it looks like you stuffed newspaper and/or chewing gum in your booby pockets and everyone is afraid of you and your crumply hooters. If you take it out, putting it back becomes an exercise that can only have been invented for entertainment by the same people who invented control top panty hose. It’s like trying to install a fitted sheet after the bed is made. Why would someone choose that and why is it even a feature? The struggle is real.
- (Newspaper is the stuff the internet used to be written on before the Idiocracy.)
- I’m an asshole today. I think my removable cups are chafing.
- I may have veered off the subject a bit.
- Did you know that I was quoted in an article about women and their preferences on porn? No, of course you didn’t because I was anonymous. You can read that here, and whoever guesses which one is me wins my vehement denial.
- Do you suppose the fact that I ran out of ideas at #4 means that I don’t even know what I don’t know? Or is it just that I’m too much of a giant coward to say Contemporary Feminism or Yiffing or Quantum Physics?
- PHYSICS! I can conclusively say that I don’t understand physics even as I accept most of the laws thereof. Except that one about matter occupying the same space at the same time because I have violated that one with my ass and an airplane seat. But I know I don’t understand because I failed the final exam two years ago so spectacularly that my professor sounded genuinely horrified at the fact that he had to drop my grade from an A to a C, and may have been wondering how I wasn’t failing before the final and questioning his competence as a teacher.
- I have kittens living under my house. I understand and do not dislike this because KITTENS! They are like little psycho cupcakes. Well, their momma is there too. They managed to squeeze in around a trap I had set for a possum. The possum declined and moved out. Now I have kittens. I have named them Rogen and DiFranco. Here they are:
- Mammograms. But I will say that today’s experience was not as unpleasant as it was last year. The tech has clearly been trained to put patients at ease by patting their shoulder and back excessively prior to grabbing their breasts and smashing the hell out of them. Like mammogram foreplay.
I think I need more practice.