The Fun Part’s Over

I had lunch with my mom today.

For those of who are unfamiliar with what that is like, try this:

  1. Go put on your favorite outfit, one in which you look your best, or are the most comfortable. It doesn’t matter what it is, the point is to feel as good about yourself as possible.
  2. Sit down, pour yourself some nice, hot coffee.
  3. Stare out the window. At the flowers.
  4. Smile.
  5. Dump the coffee down your cleavage.

I used to play Buzzword Bingo during our conversations. That’s where I would mark every time I heard key phrases but I just kept winning and it got really old, especially since it wasn’t a drinking game.

blood-pressure-1006790_1280

“I was just worried that your cholesterol was high because I don’t want you to have open heart surgery because it might kill you.”

“Do you think you are overweight? You look fine to me, I don’t know, but you might need to lose some weight because being overweight can cause high cholesterol and I don’t want you to have open heart surgery because it might kill you.”

“I’m not overweight in the slightest. I never have been, and I have high cholesterol. You might, too, have you had it checked? Being overweight contributes to that. Do you think you are overweight?”

“I went to the grocery store today. I bought lots of green vegetables. You know what helps high cholesterol? Green vegetables. They also might help you lose weight in case you think you are fat, which I don’t. You should eat more green vegetables because I don’t want you to have open heart surgery because it might kill you.”

“If you think you are overweight, have you tried eating less? I think that would help.”

I could be exaggerating a smidge – but only a smidge. I find that if I can stop poking myself in the eye while she is talking and actually listen…that I poke harder. To be fair, ordering my drink with “extra sugar, float a stick of butter in it and do you have bacon straws?” probably does not promote rational discourse. I can sometimes steer the conversation in a different direction by suddenly exclaiming “Did you know that Seth will be old enough to make you a great-grandmother in a few years?”

But I steer it back pretty quick because I’m scared of the inevitable airbags.

Inevitable Airbags is a great band name.

First single: Bacon Straws

Second: Float a Stick of Butter in It For Me.

Anyway.

In addition to having lunch with my mom, I also had my annual checkup.26vinci-large1_

For those of who are unfamiliar with what that is like, try this:

  1. Eat whatever you want for eleven months, then suddenly start eating prunes and perusing Heart Healthy recipes that sound delicious but actually need sour cream and salt and maybe some of those cute little sausages to be really tasty.
  2. Listen to “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me” and “Who Wants to Live Forever” on repeat while you cry and eat Doritos.
  3. Sit pantsless on a cold metal table and poke yourself in the crotch with a pair of tongs.
  4. Repeatedly smash your boob between two cutting boards.
  5. Have a friend agree to wear a white coat with one of those metal things TV doctors wear on their heads, look exhausted and shout “Stop being irrational!” at you.

Remember all that weight you lost? I found it. Also if you add the weight gain and the spike in blood pressure to the increase in cholesterol, you have the number of dollars I made writing this year.

I have to do something. Besides make myself a birthday rumcake right before I resolve to never eat again, starting tomorrow.

I have to Make a Plan.

For those of who are unfamiliar with what that is like, try this:

  1. DO NOT TELL YOUR MOTHER BECAUSE SHE WILL FEEL VINDICATED AND YOU WILL NEVER HEAR THE END OF IT.
  2. Put your whole family on a diet.
  3. Realize that your whole family already eats better than you do and that you are the bad candied buttered bacon apple in the bunch.
  4. Giggle that the title of this post can be easily misread as “The Fart Pun’s Over.”
  5. Resign yourself to a life of butter and bacon-free misery.***

***In all seriousness, I am working on improving the nutritional value of some of my favorite recipes, learning how to say “soft tofu” without gagging, I have broadened the scope of my already existing gym routine and I bought an underdesk elliptical for work which I LOVE. I also know that my mother loves me. But that’s not as fun to write about. We will get through this. We will. Hold my hand.

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11 thoughts on “The Fun Part’s Over

Add yours

  1. Try being overweight when you don’t even dare to smell the bacon or the butter, and then go to that appointment and have someone suggest you modify your eating habits when you don’t even have a habit of making it to a meal…. it could always be worse. As for the mother part, send her a bottle of bubbly and pray she becomes an alcoholic. Just kidding. Maybe.

    Liked by 1 person

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