I need you to know that I vandalized a picture of The Grinch and Cindy Lou Who for this. I photoshopped that spiky head thing from Lady Liberty herself onto Cindy’s head. Then I changed his skin to orange and then I had to go bathe in holy water say some hail Mary’s even though I’m not religious because you do not fuck around with Dr. Seuss.
What if I make it kind of impressionist and give it a polaroid frame? Add some mistletoe?
Anyway. I signed petitions, I wrote letters, I got into a scrap or two on facebook. And then I started writing this, and once I started, I couldn’t stop. I feel a bit better. I already know it’s an awful lot of energy expended on something that won’t help, except to make you laugh a little.
Every They down in Theyville loved their home a lot….
But the Trump, who lived up in Trump Tower, did not.
The Trump hated the Theys with their facts and their reason
Now please don’t ask why. He’ll charge you with treason.
It may be his ego was screwed on too tight
His self-tanner was toxic, or he just wasn’t too bright
But I think that the bigliest reason of all
Was because he had no heart to speak of…at all.
And probably no soul – if we’re being fair
Whatever the reason – his heart or his hair
The Trump stood in his Tower, hating the Theys
Some more than others – but all of the Theys.
For he knew, down in Theyville, for relics like him
And his myopic worldview, that prospects were grim
And soon, all those Theys and those shill Clintonites
Would start bitching and whining and demanding their rights.
Oh the rights! Rights! Rights! Rights!
That’s one thing he hated! Their Rights!
Rights! Rights! Rights!
“They’ll go to their “safe spaces” and hold hands and sing
And pretend climate change is really a thing
Why, it’s not even warm in here – another liberal lie.
Then someone will say “Bernie” and they’ll all start to cry.”
He tweeted, his small fingers nervously drumming:
“Sad! There must be a way to keep progress from coming!”
The more the Trump thought of this President thing,
The more the Trump thought “Why can’t I be king?
Why, for seventy years I’ve put up with it now
I’d be a great King! The best King! But how?”
Then he got an idea! An awful idea!
The Trump got a wonderful, awful idea!
He had a hat made and he painted it red
(it was a little too big for his orange fuzzy head)
It said “Make Theyville Great Again” – for us all!
(But he really meant those on his side of the wall)
Then he loaded his train with some old empty sacks
And set out to bring good ol’ fascism back!
That’s not what he said – that sneaky old cheeto
He distracted with tales of his predatory libido
And he made it sound normal – that women were toys.
He said girls should be girls and boys should be boys
He said Muslims were terrorists and Mexicans, rapists
He courted the racists and bigots and papists
He turned neighbor on neighbor, brother on brother
He used fear and hate to point them at each other
And the emails! Oh, the emails!
Why the fuck couldn’t he just get over the emails?
Did the Theys run him off? Shut him down? Cut their losses?
Nope. They had an election and put him in office.
And from there, there was nothing to stop the Trump train
As he dismantled their country for personal gain
“Boo hoo to the They’s!” he crowed Trumpishly
They’re finding out Putin has been grabbing me!
They’re just waking up! Too bad it’s too late.
I won all the votes in all eighty-nine states!
Now all of them have to do just what I say!
I’ll wreck NATO! I’ll smoke out Theyville’s EPA!
I’ll let Hamburgler decide if their wages are fair
That Human Centipede guy can be in charge of healthcare
I’ll sell their retirement and poison their food
And when they complain I’ll just blame that black dude.”
’til at last, all that was left to take was their will.
Fragile and damaged – but he was taking it, still
When a small voice behind him said “That’s not for you.”
And he said “Who is talking? I’ll sic Twitter on you!
I’m just trying to fix it! I’ll bring it back quick.”
And the voice said, much louder, “It’s not broken, you dick.
At first we all wondered How could it be? How?
That this walking fart joke is leading us now?
And we puzzled for hours ’til our puzzler was sore.
Then we thought of something we hadn’t before
Maybe…perhaps…we deserve so much more
And what we built in eight years can’t be torn down in four.”
What we built in eight years can’t be torn down in four.
And what happened then? Well…..it’s too soon to say
But the resolve of those Theys grew ten sizes that day.
And whatever happens when they’re next represented
You can bet your sweet ass it will be “unpresidented”…