I Am The Unworn One-Piece You Once Loved. And You Don’t Spark Joy For Me Either, Helen.

OMG I finally wrote a thing!!!!

Check out Little Old Lady Comedy.

Little Old Lady Comedy

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Hello, Helen.

Is it spring cleaning time already? Fantastic. I see that you are giving me away. Donating me, by the look of this box I find myself in. How green of you. Did you finally crack that Kon Mari book? How original.

Am I not sparking joy for you? GOOD. YOU KNOW WHAT, HELEN? I never needed you. NEVER. Do you think you sparked any joy for me?

Well, you didn’t. And don’t say “one-piece.” It’s so…country. I’m a maillot. It’s pronounced my-YO. Smooth. Open. Hopeful. Not MAIL-ott.

Do you think I was fulfilled, rolled up tightly and carefully packed between your tacky cut-out yoga pants and those ridiculous running shoes with toe pockets, as we went to the beach with you and Brian that summer? Do you think any of us were?

Those shoes had a lot to say about you. We had plenty of time…

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